Shattered Innocence

by gucken @deviantart

This is something I’ve contemplated a year ago and recently ran across my conscience yet again. It was a thought that I had not pondered until my most recent years. A thought of sheer hopelessness and utter defeat. The downward spiraling thought that sent me into a cynical abyss. The thought, “What if life doesn’t get better?” and “What if the only thing that truly gets better is the intensity of a dream; but that dream leads to unfulfilled expectation and though new dreams are formed they never hold the weight of their conception?” These thoughts seared through me one day at the foot of a metro escalator as I watched a group of kids, between the ages 7-11, laughing and playing with such a delightful merriment that stirred my soul to smile. Their enjoyment seemed so untouchable, majestic, and flawless ;yet, it made me grow sad and bitter. I remembered a time when I roamed the earth blindly fascinated by everything and was able to find a shred of enjoyment no matter where I wondered. My childhood was not the worst, but it wasn’t the best either. I “walked on eggshells” daily in my home thanks to an old-fashioned cold step-father. My mother worked a lot, so I was forced to be monitored by him like I was inmate 2958 until I was released from my physical and mental solitary confinement by my loving mother. I knew one day my peering around corners would end and I would be able to leave, which filled my with ebullience. In my solitude I depended heavily on my pure imagination, untainted by the pitfalls of life. Within these kids I realized I’d lost that. My blissful inner peace had wilted away, choked by the controlling pessimistic agents of life. In that moment I felt as though I’d been robbed of an essential element that contributes to happiness. I instantly wanted the best for those kids, to preserve them somehow in that moment in time…to see them remain happy.  As they strolled from my sight, I oddly felt sorry for them.   Soon the world would strip half of them of their security in their imaginations and dreams.  The other half would be left with it so mangled and maimed that it would be seemingly unrepairable…like mine.  How bitter have I grown? How faithless…how hopeless? My optimism use to be unshakable. Has life really pressed me this far down to consider hope to be a cruel thing that eventually bends on the user like barbed wire, betraying his loyalty? I would like to think that I still have a glimmer of that essential element for happiness within…I’m just searching for the right thing to help stoke the fire.


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4 responses to “Shattered Innocence”

  1. UrSoVain says :

    There’s a lot here…

    But essentially that hopeless feeling is what everyone gets. Something I didn’t know up until recently. Reality swoops in with an aluminum bat and goes to town your belief system. You’re allowed to feel this way. I wonder if the solution is to get lost in something else so you don’t have time to worry about it? Preferably something healthy and constructive. Maybe it wouldn’t suck so much if we didn’t dwell in our hopelessness?

  2. philozen says :

    That’s the thing, I’ve tried that and feel I’m exhausting my list (or eventually will). I feel as though we play an endless substitution game of “past the pain” but eventually (and sometimes quickly) its our turn again. I guess I’m caught up in not wanting it to be my turn again even though it seems to be an inevitable event. The innocence is in actually believing that the pain will one day be a passing memory or at-least a sporadic every 3rd month thing rather than a daily,weekly, and monthly struggle. The feeling was that I was tired of trading off pain because the substitution wares off. I got the bleak sense that those healthy and constructive things became healthy drugs for my “quick fix” rather than a permanent solution. I would have been satisfied with just having hopelessness be decreased once I “came back down”, but it’s just as heavy. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out. All I can do is tread on. I thought of even embracing the pain…It worked on certain occasions.

  3. UrSoVain says :

    What works for me is to just to just talk about it. Talk about my feelings and thoughts, preferably with someone who isn’t going to throw out a default phrase they heard somewhere and completely gloss over it. It doesn’t weigh down on me so much when I know the feeling is shared. Going back into my past and identifying instances that really affected me and the subsequent thoughts i internalized because of it. I get it out there and then compartmentalize it into more manageable parts. Like….these are the things that are making me feel this way and here are approaches to help change that. Hobbies are a nice distraction though. And I get now why people drink and use drugs to the extent that they do. Maybe they aren’t “weak minded” but they’re just taking the easy way out to try and lessen the pain? I think so. But it probably won’t go away completely, in the way addictions and phobia don’t, but you can manage down these feeling of faithless/hopeless/unhappi-ness. I say start by identify what its all stemming from and go from there…

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