Tag Archive | Dreams

Shattered Innocence

by gucken @deviantart

This is something I’ve contemplated a year ago and recently ran across my conscience yet again. It was a thought that I had not pondered until my most recent years. A thought of sheer hopelessness and utter defeat. The downward spiraling thought that sent me into a cynical abyss. The thought, “What if life doesn’t get better?” and “What if the only thing that truly gets better is the intensity of a dream; but that dream leads to unfulfilled expectation and though new dreams are formed they never hold the weight of their conception?” These thoughts seared through me one day at the foot of a metro escalator as I watched a group of kids, between the ages 7-11, laughing and playing with such a delightful merriment that stirred my soul to smile. Their enjoyment seemed so untouchable, majestic, and flawless ;yet, it made me grow sad and bitter. I remembered a time when I roamed the earth blindly fascinated by everything and was able to find a shred of enjoyment no matter where I wondered. My childhood was not the worst, but it wasn’t the best either. I “walked on eggshells” daily in my home thanks to an old-fashioned cold step-father. My mother worked a lot, so I was forced to be monitored by him like I was inmate 2958 until I was released from my physical and mental solitary confinement by my loving mother. I knew one day my peering around corners would end and I would be able to leave, which filled my with ebullience. In my solitude I depended heavily on my pure imagination, untainted by the pitfalls of life. Within these kids I realized I’d lost that. My blissful inner peace had wilted away, choked by the controlling pessimistic agents of life. In that moment I felt as though I’d been robbed of an essential element that contributes to happiness. I instantly wanted the best for those kids, to preserve them somehow in that moment in time…to see them remain happy.  As they strolled from my sight, I oddly felt sorry for them.   Soon the world would strip half of them of their security in their imaginations and dreams.  The other half would be left with it so mangled and maimed that it would be seemingly unrepairable…like mine.  How bitter have I grown? How faithless…how hopeless? My optimism use to be unshakable. Has life really pressed me this far down to consider hope to be a cruel thing that eventually bends on the user like barbed wire, betraying his loyalty? I would like to think that I still have a glimmer of that essential element for happiness within…I’m just searching for the right thing to help stoke the fire.

Waiting? Room

Have you ever awoken within a dream and believed that it was reality? Then after waking from said dream woken to reality thinking that you were in a dream?…I have. I experienced this phenomenon Dec. 12, 2011 and saw fit to document and share this experience. I tried to get to a my computer with the speed of mercury before I forgot most of my dream. Sadly I could not and have subsequently forgotten a great amount of detail that would have made this post quite exceptional (tricky little dreams). Never fear, I will tell you what I do remember.

On this faithful day, I accompanied my girlfriend to the hospital for her scheduled surgery. We sat in the waiting room until around 10:00am, sleep was literally still in my eyes when they called her name (hey don’t judge me I’m in winter break). Upon her leaving, I dozed off and apparently fell into a deep REM sleep.  In my dream, I was in class listening to a lecture. It seemed so real, and my girlfriend was there sitting in the same general space she’d occupied in reality; which made my confusion so much worse. The subject matter covered was something familiar to me and I could have sworn that all of my senses were active. Next thing I know I’m dozing off because the lecture was boring. As I “fell asleep” in reality I was waking up. I was in a deep haze and saw everything as a wobbly blur. Patients, receptionists, and Doctors smeared past my slit eyes like rain drops on a car windshield or a doppelgänger trail. Even the real life sounds slurred on like a long adult speaking scene in the Peanuts (yes I’m referring to the Charlie Brown cartoon). As I fell back asleep and awoken in my dream, I found that I was back in the class room, same chair same lecture. The look, feel, and clarity of my dream was so uncanny that in comparison to the latter how could I not believe this classroom was authentic. I slipped back and forth between the dream world and reality once more. When I “fell asleep” in my dream again, the same groggy incoherent sensations occurred as I sat in the real life waiting room and when I actually fell asleep again, I thought I’d woken up for good. In this dream I was in the waiting room and everything was clear , I could understand people and they looked normal. I even witnessed a full exchange between a Doctor and patient about future scheduling. The layout of the waiting room in my dream was flawless and this is when I realized that the classroom was a dream. Just thinking about the fact that I was in a dream realizing that I was in a dream but still unaware of the dream that I was currently in blows my mind. What snapped my out of this madness was the receptionist calling my name. In my waiting room dream I had to react to my name being called, but when I went to speak to the receptionist (I’m still dreaming mind you) he tells me that he didn’t call my name. Following this, I actually woke up to my name being called. Here is the kicker, when I get up to the receptionist I find out that he wasn’t calling me he was actually calling someone with the same first name. Needless to say…I was very confused. Who’s knows, I could still be in that waiting room as I type this. That would be awkward…

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